Record Breakers: The Lionel Messi XI

You wait for ages for a topic to come up and then loads of them come along at once. Blatant dives, last minute winners, players struck by objects, other players pushing fans, all the fun of the fair. However, your Santi Carzorlas, your Robin van Persies and your mindless Man City fans come around with enough frequency that they can wait. One achievement stands out this week, despite the protests that football is too easy now, not enough trophies have been won, penalties are included and one of them may have taken a tiny deflection of a defender, and that is record breaker, Leo Messi.

86 goals (and counting) in one calendar year is a pretty impressive record. Until he breaks it next year, that is. But what about all those other goal scoring record breakers out there? Surely they deserve some recognition? Yes, they do and here they are.

GK: Tim Howard

Record: Furthest goal

We could have gone for Rogerio Ceni, him being the only goalkeeper to score over 100 goals, or Jose Luis Chilavert, the scorer of the most international goals by a goalie, or even this, the world’s shortest goal as the clown of a keeper keeps out the clearance before blowing it all and then throwing a massive hissy fit. In the end we went for Howard’s monster effort and lack of celebration.

RB: Lee Dixon  Frank Sinclair

Record: Furthest own goal

This one is a little hard to judge, the records, it seems, have been lost in the midst of time with lots of speculation of the ‘around the 30 yard mark’ going on. Evgen Eliseev is a contender but we blame the keeper for this. Why the hell are you trying to head it, you buffoon? Just give away the indirect free-kick if needs be. Dixon, though, was also pushed close by fellow Gunner, Carl Jenkinson. It truly is a rite of passage.

UPDATE: It has been brought to our attention by a certain Mr M Quinn of Wigan, that comedy own goal machine, Mad Frank Sinclair, has scored an own goal from further out than Dixon. Get your kit on, Frank, you’re in the team thanks to this goal at the Riverside. The others are just a bonus.

CB: Eddy Bosnar

Record: Fastest free-kick

The K-League might not be a hot-bed of international football, although that hasn’t stopped Grafite, Alpay and Jamie Cureton playing there, but it’s certainly the place to go if you like a bit of velocity with your free-kicks, 123km/hour to be exact. Everton fans may not remember Bosnar from his zero appearances for them in the Premier League back in 2004-05 but keepers where he next pops up to play should remember what he is capable of. Man’s got previous.

CB: Jaanis Kriska

Record: Quickest own goal

Sadly, no footage seems to exist of Kriska’s world record, possibly because the cameramen weren’t ready yet. It took the Estonian 5 seconds to nod past his own keeper, smashing the previous record of 6 seconds held by Pat Kruse of Torquay. Things went to bad for the worse for the Kuressaare defender as he was sent off in the first minute of the second half and his team went on to lose 8-0. To make the poor lad feel better, here’s a video of him scoring a belter in the right end.

LB: Roberto Carlos

Record: Longest free-kick run up and most bendy free-kick

Perhaps the least reliable category of the lot but when you are talking about goal records and trying to find a left back who else springs to mind? Eddy Bosnar possibly has a good claim for longest run up, whilst Keisuke Honda and Liran Cohen might want to ask him outside to settle the bendy debate but the man with the biggest thighs in the southern hemisphere gets the nod just for the outrageousness of it all.

CM: Jone Samuelsen

Record: Furthest headed goal

Samuelsen scrapes into the team by 33cm ahead of Japanese upstart, Ryujiro Ueda. Samuelsen’s header was measured at 58.13m and Ueda’s, although initially thought to be 58.6m, was eventually measured at 57.8m. So, one up for the Norwegians. On a personal note, we prefer Ueda’s for one simple reason; it’s against Yokohama FC (aka Jokohama FC), a team we personally despise. Forever 8-1.

CM: Stan van den Buys

Record: Most own goals in one game

Stan the Man can play at centre-back, libero or defensive midfield and, due to his record, we have to decided to keep him as far away from the goal as possible. Sadly, no video footage seems to exist of the worst hat-trick in football. Stan bagged all three of Anderlecht’s goals in their 3-2 win over Germinal Ekeren. Unfortunately, he was playing for Ekeren at the time. Seeing as we have no evidence of Stan’s achievement, here is a clip of him, the number 3, giving away a penalty in another 3-2 loss.

CM: Stefan Ishizaki

Record: Furthest volleyed goal

An old Champs favourite, alongside Kim Kallstrom and Kennedy Bakircioglü, Ishizaki clearly deserves a Long Shots stat of 20 for this effort. The keeper must have been feeling pretty happy with himself as he jogged back towards his goal after his long clearance. Until he was hit with that, “Oh, bugger” feeling. He shouldn’t feel too bad, mind you, Ishizaki is a touch of class as you can see here and here. And even here, if you fancy it.

FW: Archie Thompson

Record: Most goals in an international

With 2 wins and 1 draw in 42 attempts it is fair to say that American Samoa aren’t the best national team around. They are, in fact, currently the 179th best team around. There are 28 teams in the world who wish they were as good as American Samoa, something no-one expected after the events of 11 April 2001 when the Aussies thumped them 31-0. Things had started so well, too, winning their first game back in 1983. The second win? That came 38 games later. As for Archie? Well, he scores against decent sides, too.

FW: Sükrü Gülesin

Record: Most Olympic goals

No, not goals in the Olympics but goals scored directly from a corner. The nickname comes from South America dates from 2 October 1924, when Argentina’s Cesáreo Onzari scored against Uruguay, who had just won the 1924 Olympic title. Thanks Wikipedia. Gulesin scored 32 such goals during his career in Turkey and Italy thanks to his two-footedness. As Gulesin played during the 40s and 50s there is no footage so why not enjoy these Olympic goals from Roberto Carlos, Matt le Tiss, Alvaro Recoba, Steve ‘Stan’ Staunton (with added bonus of Niall Quinn being called Nigel by Racist Ron Atkinson) and perennial corner scorer, Paul Owens with two in one game.

FW: Dixie Dean

Record: Most league goals in one season

What’s so good about this Lionel Messi chap anyway? The most goals he’s ever scored in the league in one season is 50. Pathetic. Try scoring 60, Leo. Then try doing it with one ball. Dixie’s reaction to losing a testicle, as a teammate rubbed the area to ease the pain, ”Don’t rub ‘em, count ‘em!”.You can get your Dixie fill here and here. Is it just me or is he a handsome (sic) version of Carlos Tevez?