The hardest name in football to spell has gone and got himself in trouble for a vicious perm-wielding attack on infamous softie, Ryan Shawcross. The hairbutt, as it has become known, was enough to pole-axe Stoke’s 6’3 lug. Despite a string of hasty apologies, Fellaini is looking at a hefty ban, although Shawcross is bound to be the first to admit that Marouane is not that kind of player and that he’s a good lad, he’s not a malicious player and he’s been unlucky that that’s happened. Indeed, since we penned our opening lines, Fellaini has been “hit with a 3 match ban.” Surely an act that should see someone at the FA banned, too. Despite this, the big-haired one was out “partying” and having “a night on the tiles” with Everton teammates. Rumours are mixed as to whether he “smiled” or had the nerve to “enjoy himself.”
The Belgian, of course, isn’t the first player to give an opponent a Glasgow kiss, so let’s have a look at a few others who’ve done a Flashheart. There were a few ground rules for this team. We decided that all the headbutts should be head on head, none of this in the chest nonsense. So, apologies to Zidane, Borja Valero and Samuel Eto’o. We also felt that contact was necessary so Pascal Baills’ unassault on Mark Hughes, Gary Medel’s quick glimpse at Cesc Fabregas, Joey Barton’s bad breath attack on Bradley Johnson and Charlie Mulgrew laughing at Kyle Lafferty’s haircut didn’t count.
Kudos, but no place in the team, to this unidentified chap, Guyon Fernandez, because we can’t find a video clip, and Duisberg’s Norbert Meier, because he’s the coach. Top acting, though, Norbert.
Also missing out is Neil Lennon, for his cowardly and disgusting headbutt on Alan Shearer, as, like we said earlier, we wanted head on head contact not head on boot. Shearer’s punishment? Well, managing Newcastle so successfully, I guess, the twat.
GK: Jose de Jesus Corona
Headbutted: An opposition coach
An absolute belter of a headbutt, perhaps the pick of the bunch, from the man who went on to captain Mexico’s gold medal winning Olympic team of 2012. A fine return to grace after he was dropped for the 2011 Copa America and Gold Cup squads, and banned for 6 league games. Yes, a little sneaky as it was head to chin but the Monarcas Morelia coach is probaly still feeling it.
DF: Nelson Rivas
Headbutted: Antoine Hoppenot
No doubt Antoine Hoppes not to see Nelson Rivas again after this beast of a butt. I thank you. A sad decline for the former Inter defender who shouldn’t be confused with Arsenal liability Nelson Vivas but does exhibit a passing resemblance to one man comedy vehicle Titus Bramble.
DF: Basile Boli
Headbutted: Stuart Pearce
Big Basile has recorded a number of buts in his career. This one against Milan in the Champions League final is second only to this one against Stuart Pearce. Even Jocelyn Angloma looks shocked as Boli runs off, sharpish. Psycho came within a whisker of revenge but saw his free-kick smack the bar and bounce clear. Thankfully for world football neither team qualified from the group.
DF: Rafael Marquez
Headbutted: Cobi Jones
We so want this one to be deliberate because if it is, it’s a cracker. Considering this was another chapter in the ‘long running battle for supremacy between these two nations’ and Mexico were 2-0 down and crashing out, it could well be. It’s not really a World Cup unless one poor American player gets whacked in the mush, mind you.
RM: Ronaldo
Headbutted: Wayne Rooney and Richard Hughes
Ronaldo edges out compatriot and headbutt-a-like Luis Figo for the coveted right midfield spot. Partly because the headbutt seems to be a party piece for the Portuguese Adonis and partly because Figo’s already been in one of our teams. We’re not sure how effective nutting the back of someone’s head is, or how clever it is to do it right in front of the ref, but CR7 knows best. We think it’s better to use the back of your head where the ref can’t see.
CM: Paul Gascoigne
Headbutted: A bouncer
This Gazza, not this Gazza. It is, admittedly, sad to see such a wonderful footballer reduced to headbutting bouncers in dingy snooker halls but it’s still a fine example of the headbutt and it’s being used in a more customary setting. A deserved ‘nod’ as the creative force in the side over Joey Barton.
CM: Gennaro Gattuso
Headbutted: Joe Jordan
It’s always fun to see two “hard men” squaring up against each other, especially if one of the is old enough to be the other’s dad. It all seems very Danny Dyer. Pwoppa Nawty. A few verbals, a quick lunge from Gattuso and then Jordan fancies a bit of it. A wight tear up. Nawty.
CM: Gennaro Delvecchio
Headbutted: Marco Materazzi
Gennaro is obviously Italian for ‘headbutt’, as shown by our midfield pairing. And Marco Materazzi is obviously Italian for ‘please headbutt’ if his appearance here is anything to go by. Delvecchio goes two better than Andriy Shevchenko, by actually touching Materazzi, and one better than Zidane, by actually smacking him in the chops. It couldn’t happen, repeatedly, to a nicer person.
LM: Nani
Headbutted: Lucas Neill
Yes, yes, it could happen to a nicer person as Nani proves. We thought long and hard about including this one, as Nani barely touches him, but the combination of Lucas Neill being headbutted and Nani collapsing like he’d been headbutted is just too good to miss. Take a bow, son, take a bow.
FW: Ariel Ortega
Headbutted: Edwin van der Sar
The ultimate David vs Goliath in the headbutt stakes. Ortega plants one firmly on the chin of van der Sar because that’s as high as he can reach. Fair play to the little scrapper. With a fancy dive and a mullet-to-die-for thrown in, el butting Burrito is nothing short of sexual chocolate.
FW: Duncan Ferguson
Headbutted: Jock McStay
It will come as a shock to exactly no-one that Duncan Ferguson figures up front in this team. When he’s not grabbing players around the neck and gesturing at fans or punching players and scaring Jimmy Bullard he’s going to prison for a year for not being booked. Duncan Disorderly, indeed.
Nice post! I particularly enjoyed the Eyetalian translations.