Festive Footballers: The Martin Quinn XI

So, Christmas is done for another year, especially if you live and work, as we do, in a country where it was back to the grindstone on the 26th. Still, it could be worse, you could be one of those people who have to put up with joint Christmas-Birthday presents. Oh, wait, that’s us, too. Bugger.

In an effort to try and re-instill ourselves with some Christmas cheer that isn’t laced with brandy and in tribute to the Jesus ‘Seba’ Christ of Wigan, ‘Roberto’ Martinez Quinn, (note to self: find a way to cram Isidro Diaz into this terrible nickname punnery based on the Three Amigos), we present the ultimate XI of footballers born on Christmas Day.

GK: Chris(tmas) Day

Born: 28th July 1975

It seems that goalkeepers aren’t born on Christmas Day, perhaps someone should contact the infamous Goalkeepers Union and let them know so they can sort it out. Lining up in goal, then, is the almost festively monikered Chris(tmas) Day. The current Stevenage stopper has played at the highest level and was in goal for Watford’s shock 1-0 win at Anfield, as seen here. The Spanish trumpets really add to the sense of bungling in the Liverpool box.

RB: Loco

Born: 25th December 1984

How can you go wrong when your right back is called Loco? The wonderfully coiffured Angolan played in all three games for the national team at the 2006 World Cup and had to be at his me-making-a-random-decision best to keep out the Korean hopefuls, Choi Sung-Yong and Hyun Young-Min. In the end, being named after a Kylie Minogue song swung it.

CB: Joel Santana

Born: 25th December 1948

Perhaps more famous as a coach, he has managed 31 teams in 5 countries since he retired, Santana had a fairly uneventful 10 year career in Brazil, winning a few regional titles and one Brasileiro. He did manage to get himself sacked from the South Africa job the year before they hosted the World Cup, which seems like quite a stupid thing to do.

CB: Rob Edwards

Born: 25th December 1982

Some solid Premiership experience, kind of, at centre back with Edwards. The braun to Santana’s brains, if you will. Edwards, who is allegedly on loan at Fleetwood courtesy of Barnsley, seems to have disappeared off the radar so may or may not be available to play. Here’s a goal he scored against Derby, though.

LB: Robbie Elliott

Born: 25th December 1973

A Newcastle and Bolton perennial sub/stalwart at left back, then, and finally a player some of you out there might know. Elliot was always one of those players who was constantly just about to break through but never quite did, possibly because of John ‘The Entertainer’ Beresford.

DM: Chris Kamara

Born: 25th December 1957

Born on the same day as walking toothpaste advert, Shane McGowan, the Comedy King of Commentary was the first player to be convicted of assault for an on the pitch incident. Scientists predict that by 2014 no-one will remember Kammy ever played football. Unbelievable, Jeff.

RW: Jairzinho

Born: 25th December 1944

No disrespect to previous team members but, finally, a good player and a World Cup winner to boot. ‘The Hurricane’ scored in every game as Brazil went on to win the 1970 tournament and scored 7 overall, second only to Gerd Muller. He claimed that he was awarded the ‘Best Body on the Planet’ award by FIFA to add to his medal, a fact that Cristiano Ronaldo is currently suing him over.

CM: Gary McAllister

Born: 25th December 1964

The Leicester legend, who turned down a move to Nottm Forest because he didn’t like Ol’ Big ‘Ead, is probably best remembered in England for that miss at Wembley. After he left Leicester he went on to play for a handful of no mark teams where he won a few things and did alright, we guess.

CM: Doug Loft

Born: 25th December 1986

A quick question: do you support Port Vale? If you answer no then you haven’t head of Doug Loft. Experts suggest that even Doug Loft’s parents haven’t heard of Doug Loft. But beggars can’t be choosers when it comes to today’s theme, so, in you go, Doug, do us proud, 110%, box-to-box, good engine.

LW: Emmanuel Amuneke

Born: 25th December 1970

In a career ravaged by injury, Amuneke still managed to play for Sporting Lisbon and Barcelona, and win an Olympic gold medal with Nigeria. He even lived the dream and had a trial with Busan I’cons of Ian Porterfield fame. A totally useless fact about his career is that he played in Jordan for Al-Wehdat, a team whose replica jersey we have in a draw back home.

FW: Joel Porter

Born: 25th December 1978

Yes, indeed, that sound is a barrel being scrapped. I suggest you send any complaints to Mary and Joseph c/o God, No. 1, Heaven. The former Hartlepool hit-man completes what will go down in history in the second worst XI in the history of the game, right after any XI Derby County selected during the 2007-2008 season.